Miscarriage

I debated sharing this, as I wasn't even to the point in a pregnancy where I would be happy with telling everyone yet for exactly this reason, but last weekend we had a miscarriage. (sure, I use the term "we" quite loosely but this was Tom's baby too.)

I would have been 7 weeks tomorrow. With some of my earlier pregnancies I would not have even known about this yet... I probably would have been suspicious, though. I had very strong symptoms very early, however, and tested early because of that. We had almost a whole week of knowing that we'd have our 10th baby most likely in September. I nervously called a friend who lived here trying to find a good OB, as we just moved from Texas to Missouri via Illinois in July. The timing is quite normal for us, as our babies have never been more than 22 months apart. I guess it will be more, now, for the first time since we had Michael in November of 1996.

This was my first miscarriage. I know many women who have had miscarriages. I've known women who have had many miscarriages. I've been sad with them, cried with them, prayed for them, grieved with them, but never knew what they were going through. Some of them knew about Joseph and would say, you know what it is to lose a child, I'm glad you are here for me. I thought, but I got to hold Joseph for 12 days and carry him for 9 months, or almost... I got to hold him as he left... you didn't get that...

Now I know. Now I know what it is to lose that hope of a baby. Now I know what it is to know the worst is happening. Yes, I was told that some thought it would be worse to hold a baby and then lose him. I do think it would be harder to miscarry a baby that you can see and even worse if you've felt that baby move or seen a heartbeat on an ultrasound or heard it on a Doppler. But I know it's all just hard. Difficult to see, feel, hear, think about.

I've been kind of numb. But that's familiar. It took me a little while to face all the feelings I had while pregnant with Joseph and with each revelation both before and after his birth and then before and after his death.

This came on suddenly, just as I was coming to terms with another baby in the house and what we might need to do to prepare for him, (most likely him, given our family). The signs were there, and I thought, everything could still be ok, but even as I thought that, a sense that it probably wasn't going to be ok, but that all was as it should be, came over me. This was Thursday. It was Samuel's birthday and I just kept it all inside and didn't let it ruin a fun day.

Friday was worse. I had an impression to call a friend that I resisted, for many reasons, until finally I was overwhelmed by it. Our Heavenly Father looks out for all of us, and answers prayers through our families, our friends, and sometimes even perfect strangers. My prayers were answered. I felt strongly that I should not go to the Emergency Room, but just to wait on nature and let things happen in their own time. I received a Priesthood blessing that both calmed me and confirmed what I already knew. (sometimes we need to hear it again!) Things progressed and Saturday was the worst. Tom took care of everything I couldn't, a household of 10 can't stop because I'm not at my best. Sunday was better. We chose not to go to church between my condition and the conditions of the roads, while better than the past week, still icy.

Tuesday I got into the doctor's office that I had been planning on visiting this week anyway to confirm (at the time) that I was pregnant. Instead it was to confirm that this was no longer the case. I met a great new-to-me doctor in a situation so unfamiliar it was almost funny... usually when I first see an OB I'm expecting and we get to know each other very well and our entire conversation is taken up by my OB history. It was a nice appointment other than the obvious. I also had a detailed ultrasound that showed exactly what was expected, that I no longer was carrying a baby and that while we weren't completely back to normal, things were heading that way.

Probably too much information but I needed to talk about it as my body heals. I know my mind and heart might need a bit longer. This little person will be remembered a lot longer than he was here. While it's a familiar grief, it's not the same. Neither is greater. Neither is harder. Neither is "more" or "less", it's just different than when we had Joseph nearly 10 years ago.

We have not visited Joseph's grave in 9 years, it might be time to go to Ohio. This baby won't have that kind of memorial, but a little part of my heart is buried in spirit.