November 17th 366 challenge

11/17/12

Today I am thankful for Juliana.  She came right after two difficult miscarriages (is there any other kind?) but also my first two miscarriages, ever.  So many thought we were 'done' having kids and shocked that we'd even get pregnant again.  Some thought we had enough kids and maybe those miscarriages were signs that we should stop.  Some just think we're crazy anyway so whatever we do is fine.  I am so glad we have a Juliana.  Will we have more?  I don't know.  Ask the one in charge and He might answer you :)  probably not, though, because it's between us and Him.  Do I appreciate my kids more after having miscarriages?  No.  I already appreciated each and every one of them, even if we didn't have a hard time getting them here, they were (and are) still hoped for, wanted, loved, appreciated, and cared for.  See here.  This blog post was written right after I found out I was pregnant with my first miscarriage, but before I knew I was miscarrying.  I hadn't told anyone other than a close friend and 2 close family members that I was even expecting. That baby would be a year old by now.  I was so upset by something someone had said about our family and so frustrated that my children didn't have names to some because they were part of a large family that I just had to write something.  So I did.

Isn't she precious?

Uncomfortable Blessings

I don't know if it is because of the two miscarriages last year and how it seems longer between babies than my other pregnancies, but this pregnancy I am really aware of each and every day.  This pregnancy, more so than with others, stories have come to my attention about babies dying in the womb, being born still, cord accidents, and near misses.  That kind of thing.  It definitely changes how I view certain discomforts.

For example, the little nudge that feels like it broke my tailbone.  (one of my kids definitely bruised it!)  Or the rollover that took my breath away.  Or the kicks that make my heart skip a beat (literally) or start racing.  Or the push that almost dislocates a rib.  At least she's still making her presence known.  Even the movements that make me race for the bathroom or hurt enough to cause tears to fall are blessings.  This, too, shall pass, and hopefully sometime in April (or March)  this baby will be here in my arms instead of just below my heart.  Sometimes causing it to hurt physically.  Always tied to it emotionally.  Along with my other 9 blessings in disguise.  Forever!

Mother's Day 2011

Mother's Day is a day when I appreciate, more and more each year, why my mother always said she didn't like Mother's Day.  Any gesture seems inadequate to show appreciation for our own mothers (and other moms we know) and all they have done, and anything done for me seems out of place and sometimes mocks me for my failures in the preceding week alone. (or seems inadequate to make up for the things I've dealt with in the past week alone.)

(it's been a long week.)

And now this Mother's Day, when twice already this year my body has rejected another baby, I am left to appreciate my 8 living miracles of the 11 I have conceived in my lifetime, so far.

Michael.  My 14 year old.  Just got new glasses and is giddy over being able to see again.  Can care for his siblings before I even ask him to, which has happened a lot lately with the two miscarriages.  Came into our lives a full month before we expected and has grown spiritually, physically, intellectually, and emotionally in leaps and bounds ever since.  I can't say he's perfect, but he is a son I am proud to call my own.  He is nearly as tall as I am (shush, yes, I know that's not saying a whole lot!) and will pass me up this year.  He has completed his first year of seminary attendance (at least by the time Mother's Day gets here), is working on high school Geometry, AP Biology, writing his own novel(s), getting his Life in Scouts, and many other things that make me smile every day.  He has a great sense of humor and his own sense of fun that he shares with his family.

Benjamin.  Our 12 year old.  Small for his age but catching up quickly.  Our 'easy tan' guy who loves the outdoors and doesn't mind the scratches, bumps and bruises that come with being very active.  Loves being a part of Young Men's and helping in anyway he can.  Loves babies and little ones and can always be counted on to come to their needs, whether they are related to him or not.  Loves the older members of our community at church and at home and seems to sense where a kind word is needed to make someone's day.  He makes friends easily and is a natural leader.  He has a temper but is learning to control it and I can see the mental effort he puts into it when he tries.  He is learning to play the piano and his talents are growing daily.  He came into our lives a month later than we expected (hey, I was hoping for 8 month pregnancies) and has kept us hopping.  I love helping him learn, and watching those leaps of faith... and the 'real' leaps, too, though they give me heart attacks.

Emilie.  Our 11 year old Kentucky girl.  Our surprise princess, only 18 months younger than Benjamin, and he really did think she was the greatest when she was a baby.  Our spunky girl with her own style and way of thinking, she makes us either confused or delighted each and every day.  Always ready to find ways to help those in need, always ready with a new idea that challenges our thinking, and always ready to learn and grow.  She is so excited to become a member of Young Women's next year and move on to new adventures, though she is still thrilled with the ones she is working on now.  Always full of energy, more than I have lately, and always interested in something to read but usually ready to help if she think she's needed and appreciated.  She is becoming a beautiful person, inside and out, and it is both wonderful and frightening to watch.

Nathanael.  8 years old and still figuring out who he is.  He wants to be a big kid but still enjoys being a younger kid and being a total goof off.  Definitely has his own sense of humor he likes to share but isn't always appreciated.  He's our 9 minutes in the hospital birth, definitely wanted to get here quick.  He's our Ohio boy.  Big expressive eyes and just happy to be here.  He's a newly minted Bobcat in Cub Scouts and fresh off his first Pinewood Derby, in which he won a few, lost a few and was again, just happy to be there.  He loves to read and loves to play, loves big kid privileges but not always the responsibilities.  Loves to be outside, loves to be inside, loves to play games, loves to read, loves to build, loves to pretend, loves to joke and laugh, loves to just be a part of it.  Great person to be around if you want a smile on your face.

Samuel.  6 years old and ready for anything.  He wants to do what Nathanael is doing but knows he's got a few years to go.  He's been reading for 2 years and knows all the stuff 2nd graders are supposed to know even though he's supposed to be a kindergartner.  That's ok.  He has other stuff to learn and keep up with.  He loves Harry Potter, Legos, computer games, building, NOT going to bed, NOT doing chores, and playing anywhere, inside, outside, and on the roof if he could get there.   He loves to run.  He was supposed to be born in Pennsylvania (Punxsutawney, no less) but Tom got the sudden job change to Amarillo, so he's a Texan, ya'll.  He doesn't talk much at first but will once he gets to know you.  My shy guy.  I absolutely love his giggle. 

Timothy.  4 going on 5 going on 100.  He can tell you most of the United States and who was born there from our family, or at least something about it.  He loves Missouri and Texas and will go on and on until he has something else he wants to tell you.  Timothy was a late talker but once he found something he wanted to say, watch out... he was telling you numbers, shapes, and letters before he could get a sentence out.  He is full of energy and does NOT want to quit once he starts something he is interested in... which makes Primary a challenge for his parents and leaders alike, but we keep trying.  He is a sweetheart with blonde curly hair that seems to keep surviving family haircuts, but they will probably be cut again soon, only to grow back in a few months.  Our second Texan baby, and first to be born after we bought a house there.  He just started telling me that he loves me.

Christopher.  3 years old and full of fun and life.  He will tell you if you are his friend, and will introduce you to his other friends.  Once you are in, you are good.  He has a great little grin and while you can't always tell what he is saying, it's usually something he's happy about.  He came only 16 months after Timothy and it has been interesting to see how close they are and how much trouble they get into together... he knows a lot of what Timothy knows, but he's not into this whole 'state' thing and prefers to stick with the ABC's and numbers.  Oh, and colors and shapes, too.  He likes to help, but not with what you are doing, with something else.  If you aren't doing something interesting, he will take Liberty and they will find something better to work on.  (uhoh.)  Life is never dull with Christopher around.  Just wait til he gets tall enough to open the back door.  I am his friend, too.  Just be glad you know me.... maybe I can put in a good word for you.

Liberty.  18 months.  She is another surprise princess.  She came to us only 18 months after Christopher (so yes, 3 kids in less than 3 years if you count Timothy turning 3 only 6 days after she was born...)  However, she had to come then to fulfill the 9 years apart sister prophecy... (Emilie's aunts were telling her that sisters only come 9 years apart in our lineage... not true but true in these 3 families... Tom's 2 sisters are 9 years apart... my sister and I are 9 years apart... lo and behold, Emilie was 9 when Liberty was born.)  She flipped us off in the ultrasound.  She orders us around now.  She's not talking yet but lets us know her every whim and desire. Oh, and tells the other people who are here for her entertainment what to do, too.  The 7 other ones who are shorter than we are.  Yeah, those guys.  The funnier ones.  Sigh.  Another little miracle that we are just now getting to know.

I count my blessings daily. (especially when getting into the van... got to make sure they are all there!) I guess that is one thing about Mother's Day I love, as well as the chance to think of all the other mothers in my life I am thankful for, and hope and pray that in some way, I can be a mother like them and can reach others like they have reached me.  Mother's Day may not be so bad after all.

Easter this year

Yes, we had the eggs, the candy, the Russell Stover chocolate Easter bunnies.  We found Easter baskets.  We had music.  We had Peep jousting and our traditional Easter S'mores for Family Home Evening treat.

So much for the superficial Easter fun this year.  We love being together as a family and doing things together.

What did we learn and how did we grow?  Through a great understanding of our Heavenly Father's sacrifice of His only Son, Jesus Christ, and through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, who died for our sins and knows all our sorrows and grief.  These past two weeks we were going through a second miscarriage, the second we've ever gone through but also the second one this year.  It was a little tougher than the first one.  It was more drawn out and we are still dealing with the repercussions.  It was more unexpected.... lightning doesn't strike twice and the doctor was at a loss to explain why someone who has had 9 fairly normal full term (mostly) pregnancies would have two miscarriages in a row.  We've done tests and ultrasounds.  The best explanation (besides the fact that this is all in the Lord's hands and the reason is just unknown to us) is that Emilie has mono and was very ill at the time this baby was just starting to develop, even before we knew the little one was there.  I was the only one who went near her while she was sick, and most likely also contracted mono, which severely affected the baby and not in a good way.

Our family most likely is not complete.  We have complete faith in our Heavenly Father that this heartache is for our good as well as His, for His purposes and for our learning.  It doesn't mean that we won't ever hold a baby again, just that, twice in a row, we were supposed to know we were pregnant but not to stay, and go through what we needed to related to these two pregnancies.  Liberty is supposed to be the baby for at least the rest of this year.  She'll be the first in our family to turn 2 without a little sibling.  I have many friends who are pregnant, some due at the same time I was due with one of these two pregnancies.  I have new nieces to be born this year.  I'm so happy for them, and I hope that our losing our babies does not hinder their joy in their new miracles in any way.  We are blessed.  We are blessed in our knowledge that God knows us, and knows our sorrows, and has a plan for each of us.  We have a knowledge that our families are eternal, and whether these two babies are ours forever or not does not matter to me right now, what matters is that my Savior cares for me enough to die for me and that all is well, because of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

We celebrate not his death, but His life, and so we go on with our beautiful spring weather (and rain!) and look forward to the new flowers, a garden, and our family growing in other ways.  Michael will be taller than me this year.  Benjamin is learning a new talent.  Emilie is learning a love of languages.  Nathanael has a new opportunity for growth in Cub Scouts.  Samuel is getting ready to lose his first teeth.  Timothy is writing new words and trying to read.  Christopher is ready to be a big boy in many ways.  Liberty is learning to talk and has new understanding of what we say to her.  Tom and I are learning in our callings and in many other ways.  Life continues to be wonderful to us, despite the sad moments.

Miscarriage

I debated sharing this, as I wasn't even to the point in a pregnancy where I would be happy with telling everyone yet for exactly this reason, but last weekend we had a miscarriage. (sure, I use the term "we" quite loosely but this was Tom's baby too.)

I would have been 7 weeks tomorrow. With some of my earlier pregnancies I would not have even known about this yet... I probably would have been suspicious, though. I had very strong symptoms very early, however, and tested early because of that. We had almost a whole week of knowing that we'd have our 10th baby most likely in September. I nervously called a friend who lived here trying to find a good OB, as we just moved from Texas to Missouri via Illinois in July. The timing is quite normal for us, as our babies have never been more than 22 months apart. I guess it will be more, now, for the first time since we had Michael in November of 1996.

This was my first miscarriage. I know many women who have had miscarriages. I've known women who have had many miscarriages. I've been sad with them, cried with them, prayed for them, grieved with them, but never knew what they were going through. Some of them knew about Joseph and would say, you know what it is to lose a child, I'm glad you are here for me. I thought, but I got to hold Joseph for 12 days and carry him for 9 months, or almost... I got to hold him as he left... you didn't get that...

Now I know. Now I know what it is to lose that hope of a baby. Now I know what it is to know the worst is happening. Yes, I was told that some thought it would be worse to hold a baby and then lose him. I do think it would be harder to miscarry a baby that you can see and even worse if you've felt that baby move or seen a heartbeat on an ultrasound or heard it on a Doppler. But I know it's all just hard. Difficult to see, feel, hear, think about.

I've been kind of numb. But that's familiar. It took me a little while to face all the feelings I had while pregnant with Joseph and with each revelation both before and after his birth and then before and after his death.

This came on suddenly, just as I was coming to terms with another baby in the house and what we might need to do to prepare for him, (most likely him, given our family). The signs were there, and I thought, everything could still be ok, but even as I thought that, a sense that it probably wasn't going to be ok, but that all was as it should be, came over me. This was Thursday. It was Samuel's birthday and I just kept it all inside and didn't let it ruin a fun day.

Friday was worse. I had an impression to call a friend that I resisted, for many reasons, until finally I was overwhelmed by it. Our Heavenly Father looks out for all of us, and answers prayers through our families, our friends, and sometimes even perfect strangers. My prayers were answered. I felt strongly that I should not go to the Emergency Room, but just to wait on nature and let things happen in their own time. I received a Priesthood blessing that both calmed me and confirmed what I already knew. (sometimes we need to hear it again!) Things progressed and Saturday was the worst. Tom took care of everything I couldn't, a household of 10 can't stop because I'm not at my best. Sunday was better. We chose not to go to church between my condition and the conditions of the roads, while better than the past week, still icy.

Tuesday I got into the doctor's office that I had been planning on visiting this week anyway to confirm (at the time) that I was pregnant. Instead it was to confirm that this was no longer the case. I met a great new-to-me doctor in a situation so unfamiliar it was almost funny... usually when I first see an OB I'm expecting and we get to know each other very well and our entire conversation is taken up by my OB history. It was a nice appointment other than the obvious. I also had a detailed ultrasound that showed exactly what was expected, that I no longer was carrying a baby and that while we weren't completely back to normal, things were heading that way.

Probably too much information but I needed to talk about it as my body heals. I know my mind and heart might need a bit longer. This little person will be remembered a lot longer than he was here. While it's a familiar grief, it's not the same. Neither is greater. Neither is harder. Neither is "more" or "less", it's just different than when we had Joseph nearly 10 years ago.

We have not visited Joseph's grave in 9 years, it might be time to go to Ohio. This baby won't have that kind of memorial, but a little part of my heart is buried in spirit.